| Watching a young girl hit, kick, and call her | | | | the situations in our lives, and even the way |
| mother names I never imagined a 6 year old | | | | our parents raised us influence what we think |
| knew, engaged in an (ultimately successful) | | | | is the right way to parent. What is |
| attempt to get dessert led to an enlightening | | | | surprising are the consistent findings about |
| luncheon conversation with a few friends last | | | | how these different styles of parenting |
| week. As parents ourselves, we had all dealt | | | | impact our children's development. The way |
| with incidents like this and had different | | | | you parent can influence how your children do |
| opinions on how the mother should have | | | | in school, relate to others, and whether or |
| handled the outbreak. As we talked, it turns | | | | not they develop the personal strengths which |
| out we represented the three most common | | | | help our children to thrive and be able to |
| parenting styles identified during the last | | | | best deal with life's stresses. |
| 30 years of psychological research. What | | | | |
| seems to matter the most is the level of | | | | Having spent years studying parenting and |
| parental demandingness and parents being | | | | resiliency, research shows that children |
| responsive to their children's changing | | | | raised by Democratic parents have higher |
| needs. | | | | self-esteem, do better in school, relate |
| | | | better to their peers in large part because |
| One end of our table clearly represented the | | | | they had greater self-confidence and self |
| Authoritarian parenting style, parents with | | | | control. On the other hand, families with |
| clearly defined rules that they expected | | | | Authoritarian or Permissive parenting tend to |
| their children to follow without questioning | | | | have children who do less well in school, |
| or even discussion. Known as the really | | | | have lower self-efficacy, less self-control, |
| strict parents, authoritarian parents hold | | | | and lower self-esteem, placing these children |
| high expectations for their children and | | | | more at risk when dealing with life's |
| believe that parents are, and should be, in | | | | adversities. |
| complete control. According to Diane Baumrind | | | | |
| (1996), who developed the original parenting | | | | So what about the woman and young girl who |
| style categories, these parents "shape, | | | | wanted ice cream even though she didn't eat |
| control and evaluate the behavior and | | | | her lunch? What lessons might she have |
| attitudes of the child in accordance with a | | | | learned during this encounter? Instead of |
| set of standards of conduct, usually an | | | | learning self-control, patience, and the |
| absolute standard . . . [which] values | | | | important lesson that there are consequences |
| obedience as a virtue and favors punitive, | | | | to our actions, she may have learned that she |
| forceful measures to curb self-will" (p. | | | | can get whatever she wants by being |
| 890). | | | | aggressive. She's also learned that her |
| | | | mother will not enforce rules of what is |
| At the other end of the parenting continuum, | | | | appropriate behavior, even though a six-year |
| exhibited by the young girl's mother as well | | | | old isn't able to always make such a |
| as a friend at the other end of the table, | | | | decision. Imagine the impact of this when |
| are Permissive parents. Such parents place | | | | she's with her friends or as she enters the |
| few, if any demands on their children, | | | | teenage years or beyond. |
| allowing children "complete freedom to make | | | | |
| life decisions without referring to parents | | | | Being a parent is one of the most difficult |
| for advice . . ." (Hickman, Bartholomae, & | | | | jobs in the world, in part because the |
| McKenry, 2000, p. 42). Permissive parents | | | | demands of parenting change as our children |
| allow the "child to regulate his own | | | | grow. What may have worked with toddlers is |
| activities as much as possible, avoid the | | | | not necessarily the best way to approach it |
| exercise of control" (Baumrind, 1966, p. | | | | when our children are growing, becoming more |
| 889), often those parents who view themselves | | | | independent. As the research shows a |
| as their children's friends or peers more | | | | parenting style which balances parents' |
| than the parent-child relationship. | | | | expectations and guidance while allowing the |
| | | | child to have more input can be the best for |
| Sitting in the middle of the table were the | | | | helping our children grow into successful, |
| Authoritative or Democratic parents, who are | | | | resilient adults. And isn't that what |
| an integration of the other two parenting | | | | parenting is all about? |
| styles, setting clear rules and expectations | | | | |
| but also encouraging discussion and | | | | Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of authoritative |
| give-and-take, especially as their children | | | | parental control on children. Child |
| get older and are able to take more | | | | Development, 37 (2), 887 - 907. |
| responsibility for themselves. Such parents | | | | |
| "remain receptive to the child's views but | | | | Baumrind, D. (1996). The discipline |
| take responsibility for firmly guiding the | | | | controversy revisited. Family Relations, 45 |
| child's actions, emphasizing reasoning, | | | | (4). |
| communication, and rational discussion in | | | | |
| interactions that are friendly as well as | | | | Hickman, G.P., Bartholomae, S. & McKenry, |
| tutorial and disciplinary" (Baumrind, 1996, | | | | P.C. (2000) Influence of parenting styles on |
| p. 410). | | | | the adjustment and academic achievement of |
| | | | traditional college freshman. Journal of |
| No surprise that there are big differences in | | | | College Student Development, 41, 41 - 52. |
| the ways we approach parenting - our culture, | | | | |