| And for those with adolescents and teens in | | | | better for parents to agree to disagree and |
| Behavior Modification or Boarding Schools A | | | | practice compromising than to argue and fight |
| Parent Coordinator is an impartial third | | | | endlessly for their own way. This, however, |
| party available to assist parents in | | | | is often easier said than done.Parents who |
| resolving issues relating to parenting and | | | | chose their battles and cooperate when there |
| other family issues prior to their child | | | | are differences are more likely to make |
| moving on to their next program or school | | | | healthy decisions for their children. In |
| after wilderness, or prior to graduation or | | | | fact, nurturing an overall spirit of |
| returning home from their residential | | | | cooperation is more important than parents |
| program. The assist with:Clarifying | | | | agreeing on any one particular issue. Also, |
| priorities prior to returning home or moving | | | | parents who acknowledge and effectively deal |
| on to their next program or school | | | | with their own difficult feelings usually |
| | | | have an easier time. On the other hand, |
| Developing a parenting plan that meets the | | | | recurrent arguments between parents make life |
| needs of the child and the parents | | | | difficult for children and parents alike. |
| | | | When parents fight for their own agenda and |
| Exploring possibilities for problem solving | | | | neglect creating a peaceful environment, |
| | | | their children may develop bitter feelings |
| Developing methods of collaboration in | | | | and have difficulties later in life with |
| parenting | | | | their own intimate relationships. Remembering |
| | | | to relate maturely and with a healthy sense |
| Identifying disputed issues | | | | of respect for the other parent (even in the |
| | | | face of great differences and in some cases |
| Reducing misunderstandings This situation is | | | | bad feelings) is the challenge for every |
| different than when we are Parenting | | | | parent. Fostering such an environment teaches |
| Coordinator's assigned by the court. In this | | | | children much about love, life, change, and |
| situation the goal is not to modify any | | | | family relationships. Being in a family style |
| order, judgment or decree of the court. At | | | | program or outdoor school brings about many |
| times parents decide to divorce just prior | | | | changes in the lives of both parents and |
| to, or while their child is attending their | | | | children. One change for children may be in |
| residential treatment program or school. One | | | | their immediate support network. This might |
| way to help children through this early stage | | | | mean a loss of friendships and school ties. |
| is have the assistance of a Parenting | | | | Some parents move to a new community before |
| Coordinator to openly discuss what is | | | | their child returns home. This move might |
| happening in the family. In some cases, it | | | | also include changing relationships with |
| makes more sense for children to hear about | | | | extended family members. To minimize stress |
| the decision to separate from both parents | | | | on your children and ultimately yourself, |
| who have additional support. If this is the | | | | work to keep your lifestyle close to what it |
| case, the Parent Coordinator makes sure that | | | | was prior to your child being in their |
| they works with your child's therapist. They | | | | residential program or school.When possible, |
| repeatedly tell your child that both parents | | | | keep friends, family, school, and other |
| will always love them and that you will | | | | community support systems stable. When |
| always be a family. The difference will be | | | | changes are necessary, make sure you give |
| that when they return there will be two | | | | your children ample notice about them and |
| households. This is where a Parenting Plan | | | | discuss them with your child's therapist |
| can assist.The Parenting Plan addresses any | | | | while still in their program. The more |
| concerns the child may have like the need to | | | | comfortable parents are with such changes the |
| maintain a relationship with both parents. It | | | | more comfortable their children will be. In |
| is very important that your children | | | | the days just after your child returns home |
| understand their relationship with both | | | | from their youth program, or wilderness |
| parents is forever and that they will never | | | | program there is usually an adjustment period |
| be abandoned. The Parent Coordinator can help | | | | that can last for several weeks and |
| explain that a divorce does not end your | | | | oftentimes several months. During this time, |
| child's relationship with either parent. The | | | | people are adjusting to new routines, |
| marriage may end, however, the parent-child | | | | schedules, and living situations. It may take |
| relationship will continue Generally, for a | | | | time for life to seem normal again. Don't |
| child in a youth program or boarding school, | | | | worry, eventually it will. Some kids are open |
| short, clear explanations are best. Remember | | | | about their feelings and the associated |
| they do not have to understand everything all | | | | changes they experience. Others will be less |
| at once.Their understanding of your divorce | | | | vocal.Make room for whatever your children |
| will evolve as they get older and will change | | | | are experiencing. It is a mistake to believe |
| with their age. It is also a benefit that we | | | | kids must talk about their feelings. Sample |
| will be able to work with their therapist in | | | | Checklist for a stable home environment after |
| their behavior modification program or | | | | your child returns home from their program: |
| boarding school which means they will receive | | | | Avoid too frequent changeovers between homes |
| additional support. Another important message | | | | if this is a two household family. |
| for kids to hear is that in no way is the | | | | |
| divorce their fault, nor are they able to | | | | Be nurturing, supportive, and available. |
| keep you together. When the idea of parents | | | | |
| separating is completely new to your child, | | | | Create routines and schedules. |
| reinforce to them that you will make every | | | | |
| effort to keep things stable for them. At the | | | | Develop a firm parenting schedule that |
| same time, let them know about upcoming | | | | provides frequent and regular contact with |
| changes. Remember children will ask the same | | | | the nonresident parent. |
| questions repeatedly. This is normal and is | | | | |
| their way of gaining a sense of security and | | | | Do not burden children with adult |
| reassurance about the future. It is important | | | | responsibilities. |
| to keep your answers simple and consistent.It | | | | |
| is very important that both parents reinforce | | | | Do not rely on children to be your |
| that the separation/divorce is taking place | | | | confidants or companions. |
| because of differences between the parents. | | | | |
| Working with your child's therapist in their | | | | End parental conflict, at least within the |
| program helps you conduct such conversations | | | | child's earshot. |
| without damaging or disparaging remarks about | | | | |
| the other parent. Children adjust more easily | | | | Provide clear rules and limits and be |
| when parents show a healthy sense of respect | | | | consistent |
| and caring for the other parent despite | | | | |
| difficult circumstances. Co-parenting | | | | Support children's relationships with their |
| responsibilities apply to all parents whether | | | | other parent and that parent's extended |
| they are married or divorced.The extent that | | | | family. |
| parents can effectively co-parent their | | | | |
| children greatly determines how children will | | | | Seek out other sources of social support for |
| adjust after returning home from their | | | | your children.A well-thought-out and executed |
| emotional growth program or school. Parents | | | | parenting plan is an important tool for |
| who have a child returning home after | | | | ensuring the health and well being of your |
| graduation or completion of their program | | | | children. A good parenting plan will outline |
| will now have to start dealing with more | | | | how you will perform co-parenting |
| day-to-day issues concerning their child's | | | | responsibilities.It also details how you will |
| welfare. Decisions, like those concerning | | | | handle activities of daily living and caring |
| religion, discipline, finances, morality, | | | | for your kids. The parenting plan is a living |
| recreation, physical health, education and | | | | document that must evolve with the needs of |
| emergencies need to be discussed prior to | | | | your growing children. Therefore, you do not |
| their coming home. These decisions need to be | | | | have to include every potential situation you |
| discussed and made jointly. Remember that | | | | may encounter in the parenting plan. However, |
| married parents often have differing ideas | | | | it must be revisited regularly to make sure |
| about all or some of these issues. This is to | | | | it meets the needs of your family. Children |
| be expected. There is no reason to assume | | | | are our most precious resource.We must |
| that divorced parents should always agree on | | | | protect them from undue hurt and turmoil.Dore |
| them either. What's important is how you deal | | | | E. |
| with differences, not that they exist. It is | | | | |