| Whether your divorce is amicable or | | | | will be presented to a judge. |
| contentious, when and how to tell your | | | | |
| children can be a difficult issue. Your | | | | Most counselors will support a joint parental |
| children may already know that there are | | | | communication to the children about the |
| difficulties in your home life and marriage, | | | | pending divorce. However, a joint discussion |
| but you may be surprised at the level of | | | | about divorce with the children does require |
| their sophistication and knowledge about | | | | that you and your spouse be able to maintain |
| divorce. Even if they are relieved to hear | | | | a basic level of civility, if for no other |
| that a difficult home life is about to | | | | reason than to maintain your children's peace |
| change, do not ever underestimate the degree | | | | of mind. If you and your spouse cannot be |
| to which your divorce can impact your | | | | civil, do not attempt to discuss this issue |
| children. The adults are not alone in feeling | | | | together with the children. |
| the stress and hurt of a strained family | | | | |
| situation. You must take special steps to | | | | If your marriage has been rife with conflict, |
| insulate your children and help them through | | | | your children may be aware of or even |
| the divorce process. | | | | welcoming the relief of a parental separation |
| | | | and/or divorce. Do not be surprised if you |
| There is not one simple outline that provides | | | | find out that your children know more than |
| all of the right answers and information on | | | | you thought, even if you have been attempting |
| how to guide your children through the | | | | to conceal the conflict from them. |
| divorce process. When and how to tell your | | | | |
| children about the divorce will depend upon | | | | The issues that your children want to be |
| your individual family dynamics, the maturity | | | | reassured about involve where they will live, |
| of your children, the ages of your children, | | | | where they will go to school, whether their |
| the conflict level in your house, and your | | | | activities and daily lives will be disrupted, |
| own individual preferences. If you are unsure | | | | and the degree to which they will be able to |
| of how to present this issue, it is a good | | | | maintain their relationship with each parent. |
| idea to obtain professional help to do so. | | | | Teenagers can be particularly vulnerable and |
| Many counselors are well versed in addressing | | | | sensitive to disruption in their lives and |
| divorce issues with children and they are | | | | schedules. If you are able to work out a |
| available to guide you through this process | | | | parenting schedule with your spouse, it is |
| with your children. | | | | acceptable to share that with the children to |
| | | | reassure them. It also can be acceptable to |
| The type of divorce situation presenting | | | | involve the children in the process of |
| itself in your family will have some impact | | | | setting a schedule. However, that issue can |
| on how and when you present this issue to | | | | be very delicate. You do not want children |
| your children. If you and your spouse are | | | | dictating to the adults and you do not want |
| amicable, and your divorce is low stress, | | | | the children to have limited contact with |
| your children may not even be aware of the | | | | either parent. |
| possibility of a break up. While that means | | | | |
| that the divorce conflict has not impacted | | | | Above all else, do not discuss marital fault |
| upon the children as of yet, it does not mean | | | | issues or the reason for the divorce with |
| that it will not. Your children might be even | | | | your children. Even if you think that your |
| more affected by the news that you are | | | | spouse is the worse miscreant on the planet, |
| divorcing if they were unaware that there | | | | that spouse is your children's parent. Your |
| were problems in your marriage. If you or | | | | children want to and are entitled to love |
| your spouse has been working with a | | | | both parents. That a spouse cannot make a |
| counselor, either together or separately, | | | | marriage work does not dispossess them of the |
| that counselor can lay out some simple | | | | right to be a parent. More important, it does |
| strategies on how to tell the children. Basic | | | | not dispossess the children of the right to |
| information that you want to discuss with the | | | | love that parent and have a relationship with |
| counselor is whether you tell the children | | | | the parent. |
| together or separately and what information | | | | |
| you can or should give the children about | | | | Consider that you may have a range of |
| what their living arrangements will be in the | | | | reactions from your children about the |
| future. | | | | pending divorce. They may not be surprised. |
| | | | Or, they could be upset and shocked. In many |
| It is never acceptable to disclose that you | | | | cases, even when they are not surprised, the |
| and your spouse are getting a divorce when | | | | children might be angry or blame themselves. |
| you are in the middle of a conflict. To place | | | | Work with a professional to address all of |
| blame on your spouse, or to provide | | | | these emotional reactions. Your children will |
| information in a way that conveys blame or | | | | adjust to your divorce, if you provide the |
| fault may make you feel better in the short | | | | proper guidance and assistance during that |
| run. In the long run it will hurt your | | | | process. |
| children, and it will impact your long term | | | | |
| relationship with the children's other | | | | Jean Mahserjian is an attorney and the author |
| parent. Also, courts frown on providing | | | | of numerous websites and books devoted to |
| children with adult level information and | | | | helping consumers through the process of |
| details about your divorce. Do so and you | | | | divorce. |
| risk hurting your legal case, if your divorce | | | | |