| Trying to understand how to help your teen in | | | | |
| a world that is constantly changing is like | | | | Changing your parenting style for the teen |
| trying to hit a target that constantly moves. | | | | years means you change your focus from |
| Just when your aim is right on target, things | | | | punishment and discipline to training and |
| change - your kids change. | | | | character building. |
| | | | |
| Parents are often bewildered when trying to | | | | The focus of the boundaries you set should |
| keep up with the always changing world of | | | | become more about obedience, respect, and |
| teens. It's like trying to get a drink of | | | | honesty, which are the top three qualities |
| water from a fire hydrant, or holding a | | | | necessary to build relationships. Respect, |
| fistful of sand. Knowing how to set the right | | | | more than anything else, allows all others to |
| standards and enforce the right discipline | | | | fall into their proper place. |
| can be overwhelming, and may seem impossible. | | | | |
| | | | Conversely, disobedience, disrespect, and |
| The key to success in this arena lies in | | | | dishonesty destroy relationships, and need to |
| learning to adapt your parenting style to be | | | | be addressed when they appear also. |
| more fluid, more accessible. | | | | Dishonesty, more than anything else, destroys |
| | | | trust in relationships. |
| As your child develops into a teen, you no | | | | |
| longer have the luxury of making demands and | | | | Hold your teen responsible for the direction |
| expecting things to remain the same. | | | | they choose, and cause them to own it. They |
| | | | will make some mistakes, but that's alright. |
| Whether you like it or not, things change, | | | | If they lay the blame on you, however, |
| and you must be able to understand and move | | | | remember to put the responsibility clearly |
| with the culture, and set appropriate | | | | back on them. |
| boundaries. I'm not saying you should stop | | | | |
| caring about your family rules and beliefs. | | | | Tell them, "this is not about me, or my |
| What I am saying is that how you enforce the | | | | mistakes, this is about you. I will never be |
| rules must change. | | | | a perfect parent, but if you don't change |
| | | | things, this will hurt you in your |
| Otherwise, your child will be unprepared to | | | | relationships in the future. |
| cope with a culture that is constantly | | | | |
| changing. They won't develop healthy | | | | Change Your Attitudes |
| relationships. They will remain immature and | | | | |
| irresponsible, because all of the decisions | | | | Changing your style of parenting teens in |
| have always been made for them. | | | | order to meet the demands of today's world |
| | | | also means that you refocus your own |
| Change The Boundaries | | | | attitudes and behavior as well: |
| | | | |
| Adapting your style must include learning how | | | | •Move from lecturing to discussing |
| to set appropriate boundaries for their newly | | | | |
| acquired behaviors, and giving them the | | | | •Move from entertaining to experiencing |
| choice for the direction they need to go. | | | | something together |
| | | | |
| A good example of how this works comes from | | | | •Move from demanding everything, to |
| the time I spend training horses. When I put | | | | asking them their ideas about everything |
| a fence around a horse, I am setting up | | | | |
| boundaries. The horse can go anywhere it | | | | •Move from seeking justice to giving |
| likes like within those fences.f a problem | | | | grace |
| develops, I move the fences in a bit, and | | | | |
| reinforce the boundaries. The same can be | | | | •Move from seeing everything that's |
| true with your teen. Set boundaries, and | | | | wrong and finding more of what's right |
| allow your teen to choose his direction | | | | |
| within those boundaries. | | | | •Move from spending time always telling |
| | | | them to more time listening |
| If a problem develops, or things change, move | | | | |
| the boundaries in. Examine their world, and | | | | •Move from giving your opinion to |
| put some thought into what needs to be done. | | | | waiting until you are asked. |
| | | | |
| Kids today often engage with one another | | | | It is difficult for teens today to grow up |
| without really interacting or developing any | | | | and move on. They tend to like their |
| kind of real relationships. The lack of | | | | immaturity, and don't feel the need to grow |
| interaction doesn't help them hone their | | | | in their responsibilities. Teaching them to |
| maturity or grow in their social skills. | | | | grow and own their attitudes and choices is |
| | | | one of the most important character qualities |
| It's your job to help them grow. So set the | | | | we can help them develop. |
| boundaries that help them do more than just | | | | |
| engage with others - they need to learn how | | | | So, don't just tell them they need to be |
| to interact. Let them choose the direction | | | | responsible, or that they need to be mature. |
| they want to go. | | | | Instead, carefully identify what is going on |
| | | | in their world, and begin to set out |
| Allow them to experience the consequences of | | | | boundaries that give them responsibility and |
| choosing poorly. Help them to see that poor | | | | cause them to act upon them. |
| choices and crossing healthy boundaries will | | | | |
| take their relationships in directions they | | | | And when the next new thing comes along, |
| don't want to go, and choosing well will help | | | | learn to adjust the boundaries in ways that |
| them build good relationships. | | | | help them continue to recognize their need to |
| | | | be mature, responsible, and own up to the |
| Change Your Aim | | | | consequences of their choices. |