| Becoming a step parent can often place you in | | | | adjustment, especially in the critical first |
| an impossible position between the biological | | | | few weeks and months following the |
| parent and the children unless you fully | | | | establishment of this new relationship. |
| understand just what you are getting into and | | | | |
| take your time and handle the situation with | | | | This initial discussion will not of course be |
| great care. | | | | the end of the matter and several such |
| | | | discussions will need to take place before |
| Step parenting brings its own special | | | | any truly meaningful and lasting shift in |
| problems as the new step parent is often | | | | parenting responsibilities can take place. |
| caught in the middle between the biological | | | | |
| parent and the children. Just how much of a | | | | Once you are in agreement the next step is to |
| problem you will encounter depends upon a | | | | bring the children on board and this step |
| whole variety of factors, not the least of | | | | must initially be led by the biological |
| which will be the degree of co-operation you | | | | parent. At an appropriate time the family |
| receive from the biological parent and the | | | | should all sit down together and the |
| ages of the children involved. | | | | biological parent should lead off a |
| | | | discussion in which the plan which you have |
| The secret to successful step parenting lies | | | | agreed can be revealed to the children and |
| first in clearly establishing your role with | | | | discussed with them. |
| the biological parent because you will | | | | |
| certainly have an uphill struggle if the two | | | | At this point it is important to emphasize |
| of you are not fully in agreement from the | | | | that this should be a genuine discussion and |
| outset. As with any changes in a relationship | | | | not simply a case of the parents 'laying down |
| though you must also realize that adjustments | | | | the law' to the children. It is vitally |
| will take time and you need to adopt a 'step | | | | important that the children contribute to the |
| by step' approach. Any attempt to rush | | | | discussion and that their thoughts and views |
| things, or to force the situation, will | | | | on what you have agreed be heard. Children, |
| undoubtedly lead to frustration, if not | | | | just like adults, need to be given a sense of |
| confrontation. The biological parent may well | | | | control over their own lives and need to feel |
| feel threatened, if only sub-consciously, by | | | | comfortable with the situation in which they |
| the need to share parenting and will need | | | | now find themselves. This is not to say that |
| time to adjust and to develop confidence and | | | | the children should be given control of the |
| trust in you as a parent to his or her | | | | situation, which should remain firmly in the |
| children. | | | | hands of the parents as the ultimate decision |
| | | | makers within the household, but every effort |
| Next, you will clearly need to establish your | | | | should be made to ensure that they understand |
| role with the children who, unless they are | | | | the situation and are as happy with it as is |
| very young, will often resent being guided by | | | | possible. |
| an 'outsider'. You will need to take things | | | | |
| slowly and accept that the children will need | | | | The simple fact that the children can see |
| time to adjust to the situation before they | | | | that their parents have clearly considered |
| will accept you in the role of a parent. Once | | | | the position carefully, and are in agreement |
| again, you will need the help of the | | | | about it, will go a long way to preventing |
| biological parent in cementing your | | | | the children from playing one parent off |
| relationship with the children. | | | | against the other and their inclusion in the |
| | | | process will also help considerably in |
| Any successful transition into step parenting | | | | bringing them on board. |
| must start with a clear and frank discussion | | | | |
| with the biological parent, during which each | | | | Arriving on the scene as a new step parent |
| party must communicated freely and honestly | | | | can be difficult for not only the step parent |
| about how they see their role, and that of | | | | but for the biological parent and the |
| the other party, and you must both reach a | | | | children and all parties will need to work |
| clear agreement on just how you should share | | | | together slowly and take their time to |
| the responsibilities of parenting. This | | | | establish an environment in which everyone |
| discussion should also set clear boundaries | | | | can live happily together. |
| but should be flexible enough to allow for | | | | |